And just like that, My Heaven, Our Host, has turned into Mr. D. It’s actually very fitting, because what he has now placed him in the same category as the natural born male thing with the fat mustache that likes to call me fat. What did he do? Well, he crossed a boundary that is forbidden.
The mess began on the night of October 25, 2024. He called me from his side job, and told me that the birthday he would be attending with his residents the following day would be at night; one of the residents yelled that she did not want to go to the party, and wanted to do something else. I reminded him of the importance of providing choices, and we kept talking. Then it hit me; the following day would be Saturday, which is usually when we would spend time together, but this time, it would fall on the 26th (the last day we spent with Emrys), so I asked if I could take Juju with me if we spent time together, and left it at that.
On October 26, 2024, Mr. D calls to say he had to take the resident to the hospital because she had chewed on her thumb and it was looking pretty bad. After several hours in the hospital, he called and I asked if he would hear me out. He said yes, so I explained that what had happened was a manipulation technique. She got her way. No one was going to the party. This upset him and he hung up. He called back when he got home and was not happy with me. I reminded him that I am a behavior analyst, and I deal with this type of thing on a daily basis.
On October 27, 2024, the 5 month anniversary day, he showed up. And it went downhill from there. Everything I said over the past few days got twisted. He wouldn’t let me talk to clarify, and suddenly he said he didn’t care about me. I felt a stabbing pain, and saw the fear in his eyes. And I went silent.
I gave it a few days, giving him time to come to terms with it so we could talk, especially since there were some serious thing I needed to bring to his attention to ensure that he doesn’t get himself in trouble. And because we were actually supposed to do something special for the weekend.
After we got home from Mrs. F’s funeral on Friday, November 1, 2024, I texted to let him know that it had actually turned out to be an amazing experience. I was excited about how much better Juju and I felt and wanted to share since it had been just over 5 months since we had been able to feel a new sense of determination. He called me a couple of hours later to say that there was an emergency, and plans were cancelled, and hung up. And the tears came. And I had had enough. Early in the morning on November 2, 2024, I messaged saying I was done.
Because I am a caring individual, I did let him know that things are about to go wrong, and I sent him resources to help him. And of course now I am a liar, and if something goes wrong, I did it. Also, now he fears for his life because telling him the truth is a threat. Well, the truth is, the resident said some things to certain people, and he said some things to certain people, and there is a mess that will be blowing up soon. And I am the bad person for trying to help him fix it before something bad happens. Because he is perfect, and can do no wrong.
Now I am completely out of the dark place, and the one I love is gone. My heart hurts in a way that is foreign to me. I miss him so much. But I cannot just sit here and wait for him because he needs to understand that he cannot treat me like that. And he needs to figure out that even though I am angry and hurt, I would never hurt him.
THE LESSON:
If you are deeply in love with someone at the moment tragedy strikes, but you do not have a priority position in their life, run. Avoid them at all costs. Because if you don’t, they become your hero. You will worship them and put them on a pedestal. You will not see their true selves, because you are too busy pouring love into them, treating each day as if it were their last. You just lost the purest love you have ever known, so you want to make sure that the person you are idolizing knows, because you are so afraid that at any given moment, they are going to die too. You are blinded by the intense need to show them that you will cherish them until the end of time. And you don’t even realize that you opened the door for a different type of heart ache to enter. When you come out of that dark place, your hero will be gone, and in his place you find a person that hates you and will intentionally cause you pain. You will want to crawl back into the dark, because at least there, you felt the love of your Tiny Angel. And out here you have to face being devalued, disrespected, and hurt. You will feel worthless and insecure. Because to your person, you are no longer perfect. You are broken. So you get thrown away. I know. I’m living it now.
After what I have just survived, I know I am worth so much more than what he is capable of giving. I love him, and I don’t see these tears going away any time soon, but I know my worth. So now, when he realized what he has done, Mr. D will have to put in the work. He will see me rise to my full potential, and so will the world.
I AM MUCH MORE THAN ANYONE TRULY KNOWS. AND I AM TIRED OF DIMING MYSELF FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS.
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